What am i doing ?

My Nights of tragedy, scar remains.

Long before in time things happen when it's not suppose to happen.

My family gotta a 21 years old brother
adopted in time .
He was skiinny, paid 500 a month, foreigner,
was a street boy i called.
things started of here,
I had abound jealousy in me when i was not suppose to
Felt being replace as an oldest was gone
during that time of my 17 years of living
silly of me when things got more worse
High hope of me being lowered down as things when by
maturity of me arose, nights and nights i will be seeing him
sleeping with my mom at the lower ground of the hse (side by side),
i never did have those up to my age now,
Was a total jealous as an eldest, as a child.
I never had such attention much,
so I question my mom "why do you have to sleep with that boy but not your husband"
she said "he was adopted to the family but he got none of my blood and he will
never know how much love and care we cared for him",
Then what about me ?
silence was replace in the conversation.

I had to interrupt their sleep at that time on.
to a point i could not bare my self, A blanket cover them in the dark
a moment, me sleeping on the sofa peeping on them was hard broken
if i wasn't there i would not had known about it.
Things remain silence from my side
i knew i could not bring this issues out
either i loose my family or i loose my mum
tears keep rolling the next day on, It was hard for me.
that relationship begun to get worse on my eyes,
no one knows but me. i was frustrated ! noticing my mom changed a lot
from that time she got him
Already 2 years till now she never changed back.

It had taken back, when my "bro" had to go back to his own country
Back time was one year ago
Vietnam is was called ... xin chow it was said in vietnam
i called him bro as time goes on
reason why, was about to just said i was young to disobey.
I did many heart ache stuff to get them apart. one fine day it did
was sure of what to do was me back then.
all this is done for the sake of my other both sibling who were young.
so that they get more of my parents love than a FAke bro ..
never the less i too had to respect my parents decision of taking him as an adopted son.
SO then i got to accept the fact of him being my bro.

Was a trap of me doing so, (after my bro got back to his country)
till now i could not get my mum who she was back then
she changed a lot sometime i could not recognize her as my mom
who she was and what she has done for me the pass years.
She still in contact with my bro, her bills rose up a lot on international calls
A month reaches to at least a RM500.
I wonder, she could spent that amount on me rather than him
but it wasn't the reason of him being her "child" there should be some other reasons
I wasn't really sure on that but it's something fishy

Things got even worse when my family and relative turn their back onto her
without knowing the best reason of why she changed
1/2 of them was understanding her, the others where just
being hush to her sometimes. And me was there crying at the corner
barely could do anything
Fight for my mom or i turn my back onto her ?
she broke down with hurts in the end
every festive season she wasn't there with her family.
As she slowly departs from the family bit by bit
Financially my dad supports my sibling and me, sometimes my mom
as she got into a finance crisis.

One situation of me could not be told or spell out, but longing for a mom to be there for me
was something deeps inside of me cries out aloud
Looking at my friends and their parents was a pressure for me,
why could i not have a family like them ?
so if you guys have mom and dad being there for you
DO appreciate them !

As the story goes, my dad looking at him
he has many hurts and sadness in him where time he would just break down
sometimes around he would give me a call stating what his current situation was
I was there for him, I was listening to him,
Times tore apart where my mom could not be there for him
wasn't there listening to him
wasn't back at home
Once my mom was away from home six months,
my dad took care of my sibling when she was away
and i was away from home too

all he wanted was support from his wife
but my mom just could not give what he want based on that
and my dad handling things back at home,
from work and after work was something that he has done for the past months
A point of time every human will break apart

My family did !
one fine day i just got a called from my dad
stating my mom wanted to split with him and he agreed unwillingly
I was broken apart when i heard the news
Every wishes i made, from my birthday wish to my Christmas wish
was a proper family being torn apart
All i ask just that ! but now i am asking for death to come upon.
I may be silly ... but times are hard on me ... lot's of pressure being upon me,
After two years + of heart breaks, after two years + of prayer, after two years + of wishes
after two years + of broken memories, and a day it takes for a family to be broken apart.
21 years of marriage there goes ...

For now it's been harshly affects me as a being of which i recently fight for my dad.
discovering things on which i could say, i do not deserve this as a son.
My dad got a new woman in his life stating
every of his happiness belong to the new woman
discovering how i found out was trough my mom
she was told by my sibling about this,
My day on a day of bright and sinning told my siblings about his new Gurl fren
It sound funny as i state it as a new gf
he showed them her picture and introducing her as MARY

I was away and in campus and in class i got a news of broken dreams,
a proper family never in life i wanted to study hard
My mom called and she asked me whether i know that my dad had a new woman
i told her NO, as i firstly did not know about him,
usually if there's something going on he would frankly tell me so but not this time
I did my own investigation and found out my "DAD" got a new woman.
wasn't a lie wasn't a joke
I had broken into pieces when things being told out by my "DAD"
What can i do ?

I did many question towards him and many i could not get his reply
all he could defend him self as was " 4 2 years i drifted in the ocean of uncertainty, frustration
hurts, depression and silence in the night n 4 walls became my companion at the same time seeking help to bring mom back. I am not sure marrying my "GF", how can you be sure which i told mom this evening. SINCE dad is stupid and do not know priority why follow. I told mum I'm all the blame 4 being in existence in her life that she suffered 19 years. Now i can't have a friend 2 talk to 2 expect me to bottle up n carry HUMILIATION putting mask on, Where to turn 2 when mom never wanted to be there? who is willing to lent their ears? i had knock on death door, want 2 get drunk, who understand me. I did not choose this road but dump. All in all been existence"

Tears remains, i could barely speak what i needed to
i knew what he was going trough because it's what i had to go trough this too
maybe not a partner, but still it's hard for me as a child. In anger, in tears and in confusion.
Day three is now going to and end,
My flash back keep running in my mind as i sleep as i do my work it just did even days has past.
remembering of my childhood which always my dad will take my pictures in the zoo and other parks along with my mom, my dad who always brings back a bottle of root beer as he was working in A&w at that point, My dad hitting me with the rattan, My dad bring me up to Cameron every months as a family outing when my mom was around. My dad who fought for me in my class room and many other memories of him that he had done JUST for ME ! could not believe that he would take this away me from me sooner or later. I fail being a proud son.

Why i could not have a family ? A proper one back again ? WHy ? is it being me as a retard as i always question my parents about ? Why and why and why again, in the first place why do they even have to bore me out to this world, as this going to happen to me. I am really trying out to step a new level of life but i could not. I just cant do it. Being a failure son was something that i could be but not something that i could forget about? so do i have a parents now ? i really dunno how to answer this, a separated family or either i dun have a family. All in all i want back my family !! if i give anymore chances to them i may just loose everything, if i had fight for my rights of having a family i would save it even if i dun i may not be regret as much i would now .. I am so in depression and confused, barely could even continuing the next day by my own.

Again every night about my siblings, how are they doing and how are they feeling, which something that i could feel from what myself is going trough now, there are only 17 and 11 years old. I am worried. Besides nightmares has come true, again still repeats every time i sleep, i could barely sleep in a peaceful mind, i know this effects my studies somehow and i was thinking of quitting it, but i am half way there to my graduation.
Again i am confused, doubled minded and worse having my mind running wild, totally i cant stop thinking about it, everything i do it just somehow relates to my family. My Godbro say to me as he try to console me in time " stop thinking". i could barely stop thinking for once, it's totally out of my control and my emotion will just swing and there goes tears will drip if i go into the realms of my mind. I am tired ... .. As my nights of tragedy pass, it's scar still remains.

Comments (0)